[A deep breath, okay, he can do that. Kalmiya's presence is always appreciated, always helpful, and it's easy for Toki to follow her advice. He breathes in, then he breathes out.
[Their tether and the Murmur answer the breath; in and then out, in tandem with Toki—a swelling, slowing thing that fills the chest and relaxes the muscles.
There is the sensation of reassurance, a hand stroking hair.] Now, can you elaborate? Was he violent, or just unkind? Or possessed, perhaps?
[Toki may not know the specifics of the circumstances, but he made an emotional connection with One. His intuition for One's actions will be informative even if it's not exact.]
He... well, I don't know if he was violent, 'cause I was just talking to him with the mask, so he couldn't punch me or anything.
[Kalmiya's presence is helping, at least, he's relaxing a bit, although the whole thing's still pretty sore in his mind.]
He... I asked if he wanted to see if these amps I had work, 'cause you know how the power's back and everything? And first he said no so I thought maybe he might want to later and... [deep breath, deep breath,] he was a fucking asshole dickhead jackoff!
[That said, her voice quiets for a moment, though not the wildwood rustling that is characteristic of active thought at her end of the tether. She's considering what he has told her; considering, and then venturing, stroking along threads of the Murmur to see if one leads to anything enlightening.
After a few seconds, she tugs at the end of one thread and then offers it to Toki. There is no immediate elaboration, allowing for him to absorb the full memory of the exchange, but something like sadness settles into the context that surrounds this goodbye, so gentle in contrast to what Toki has just described.]
[Toki observes. Even if One's pulling away here, he's not... being mean. Not really. Not the way he was.]
He was so... he helped me, he was... he was my horse, you know, in the. In the big dream thing. He helped me get out. He was... still really nice. And now...
[He shoves the conversation into the space between them, swallowing hard.]
["Asshole dickhead jackoff" is right. Though Kalmiya wasn't surprised to hear of One's efforts to alienate Toki, hearing the conversation unfold sets anger simmering in her blood. Racing heart, clenched fists, a tremble in the breath.
But she does as she directed Toki to do. Deep breath in and deep breath out.
She continues levelly, though with no small amount of displeasure.] He was trying to hurt you. He's been trying this whole time to push people away even though that's obviously not what he wants.
Perhaps, since his sacrifice, it's more dangerous for him to want things—people—besides Sleep. So he's doing everything he can now to cut the cord.
[He's mad about it, and sad about it, even if it's not the worst thing that someone he thought was a friend ever did to him.
It's not. It's... he'll be okay, despite everything. Deep breaths again. Kalmiya's here, she always knows what to say about stuff.]
We have to... we have to do something. [He's learned stuff about him, stuff he probably shouldn't say here, and this point means it's really bad, right?? He thought helping out with all that stuff in the tunnels would help, but apparently not yet. Not enough.]
[Curtly, with an undercurrent that promises violence which has not yet landed:] No, he didn't.
I'll try to speak to him. [With more restraint than she's showing in this moment, prickled and sharpened with indignant rage at the unkindness that has been done to her friend.] But I don't know that any of us will be able to appeal to what sentiment remains within him. He may have concern for us, perhaps even care, but...
[The spiked surface of her anger smooths somewhat as she talks, sedated by that hazy melancholy that had surrounded the memory she offered Toki.] I don't believe that...he's allowed himself to love again. So I think the best thing we can do is seek out those he does love. Or did, once.
[He's been doing his best to help when he can, and he knows that's the best he can do, the best that everyone can do, but still...
He can appreciate that his own confused anger isn't alone, that he can feel something of Kalmiya's rage too. His own hatred of Sleep that he tries not to focus too much on is somewhere in the background, simmering as always.]
But... I don't want him to start being a douchebag to other people because of me.
You shouldn't take that onto yourself. The way he's chosen to treat others has nothing to do with you.
[All Toki did was try to be kind, and then stood up for himself when he was met with cruelty. One chose his position before Toki reached out to him. Long before, most likely.
Though her emotions shift, drawn in many conflicting directions, the anger is persistent and unmistakable. And it runs deep, curdling surrounding sentiments like bitterness and shame. This is personal even beyond how Toki has been treated.]
What if it does, though? What if... what if it's all Toki's fault?
[He's always been so desperate to make friends, but so terrible at it. What if this has just been a bunch of flukes, and everyone's going to leave him eventually?
He tries to push the thought down as soon as he has it. No, he's got no reason to believe any of that. Kalmiya's here, and she's lovely, and all of his other friends are just fine too. He can't just start thinking they'll... betray him or something.
Like Magnus. Shouldn't think about Magnus. He shakes his head, the motion continuing into the Murmur.]
It's not, [she insists, firmly but not unkindly.] This is about him and— whatever fucked up thing he has going on with Sleep.
[Cult shit, though not spoken, drifts beneath her words, curdled like sour milk. She hates this— she hates this. They're all in this situation because one idiot made a pact that was bad for him. Their worlds are at stake because One can't bear to wean himself off of Sleep's ice-cold tit. And they have someone like Toki blaming himself for how wrong everything has gone?
Breathe. In, then out. In, then out.
There is the sense of fists clenched so tightly that they tremble, an impression that relaxes with every breath. Again, imploring:] It's not your fault.
[It should be obvious that it's not Toki's fault, that things were already heading that way. But One was so nice when he first met him, and he was already talking about Sleep then. What if...?
No, no, bad road to go down. He focuses on Kalmiya instead. She's right. She knows what she's talking about. She has to.
Toki sighs, tries to smile. The attempt at least registers.]
Thanks. I just... feel like I fuck stuff up sometimes.
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chiming
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 04:20 am (UTC)From:Okay. So far so good.]
Okay... now what?
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 09:46 pm (UTC)From:There is the sensation of reassurance, a hand stroking hair.] Now, can you elaborate? Was he violent, or just unkind? Or possessed, perhaps?
[Toki may not know the specifics of the circumstances, but he made an emotional connection with One. His intuition for One's actions will be informative even if it's not exact.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 10:03 pm (UTC)From:[Kalmiya's presence is helping, at least, he's relaxing a bit, although the whole thing's still pretty sore in his mind.]
He... I asked if he wanted to see if these amps I had work, 'cause you know how the power's back and everything? And first he said no so I thought maybe he might want to later and... [deep breath, deep breath,] he was a fucking asshole dickhead jackoff!
[DEEP BREATH.]
He called me a pest!
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 10:16 pm (UTC)From:[That said, her voice quiets for a moment, though not the wildwood rustling that is characteristic of active thought at her end of the tether. She's considering what he has told her; considering, and then venturing, stroking along threads of the Murmur to see if one leads to anything enlightening.
After a few seconds, she tugs at the end of one thread and then offers it to Toki. There is no immediate elaboration, allowing for him to absorb the full memory of the exchange, but something like sadness settles into the context that surrounds this goodbye, so gentle in contrast to what Toki has just described.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 10:40 pm (UTC)From:He was so... he helped me, he was... he was my horse, you know, in the. In the big dream thing. He helped me get out. He was... still really nice. And now...
[He shoves the conversation into the space between them, swallowing hard.]
Something's really wrong.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 10:54 pm (UTC)From:But she does as she directed Toki to do. Deep breath in and deep breath out.
She continues levelly, though with no small amount of displeasure.] He was trying to hurt you. He's been trying this whole time to push people away even though that's obviously not what he wants.
Perhaps, since his sacrifice, it's more dangerous for him to want things—people—besides Sleep. So he's doing everything he can now to cut the cord.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 11:04 pm (UTC)From:[He's mad about it, and sad about it, even if it's not the worst thing that someone he thought was a friend ever did to him.
It's not. It's... he'll be okay, despite everything. Deep breaths again. Kalmiya's here, she always knows what to say about stuff.]
We have to... we have to do something. [He's learned stuff about him, stuff he probably shouldn't say here, and this point means it's really bad, right?? He thought helping out with all that stuff in the tunnels would help, but apparently not yet. Not enough.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 11:21 pm (UTC)From:I'll try to speak to him. [With more restraint than she's showing in this moment, prickled and sharpened with indignant rage at the unkindness that has been done to her friend.] But I don't know that any of us will be able to appeal to what sentiment remains within him. He may have concern for us, perhaps even care, but...
[The spiked surface of her anger smooths somewhat as she talks, sedated by that hazy melancholy that had surrounded the memory she offered Toki.] I don't believe that...he's allowed himself to love again. So I think the best thing we can do is seek out those he does love. Or did, once.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 11:39 pm (UTC)From:[He's been doing his best to help when he can, and he knows that's the best he can do, the best that everyone can do, but still...
He can appreciate that his own confused anger isn't alone, that he can feel something of Kalmiya's rage too. His own hatred of Sleep that he tries not to focus too much on is somewhere in the background, simmering as always.]
But... I don't want him to start being a douchebag to other people because of me.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 07:11 am (UTC)From:[All Toki did was try to be kind, and then stood up for himself when he was met with cruelty. One chose his position before Toki reached out to him. Long before, most likely.
Though her emotions shift, drawn in many conflicting directions, the anger is persistent and unmistakable. And it runs deep, curdling surrounding sentiments like bitterness and shame. This is personal even beyond how Toki has been treated.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 11:36 am (UTC)From:[He's always been so desperate to make friends, but so terrible at it. What if this has just been a bunch of flukes, and everyone's going to leave him eventually?
He tries to push the thought down as soon as he has it. No, he's got no reason to believe any of that. Kalmiya's here, and she's lovely, and all of his other friends are just fine too. He can't just start thinking they'll... betray him or something.
Like Magnus. Shouldn't think about Magnus. He shakes his head, the motion continuing into the Murmur.]
Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-06 03:53 am (UTC)From:[Cult shit, though not spoken, drifts beneath her words, curdled like sour milk. She hates this— she hates this. They're all in this situation because one idiot made a pact that was bad for him. Their worlds are at stake because One can't bear to wean himself off of Sleep's ice-cold tit. And they have someone like Toki blaming himself for how wrong everything has gone?
Breathe. In, then out. In, then out.
There is the sense of fists clenched so tightly that they tremble, an impression that relaxes with every breath. Again, imploring:] It's not your fault.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-06 06:32 pm (UTC)From:No, no, bad road to go down. He focuses on Kalmiya instead. She's right. She knows what she's talking about. She has to.
Toki sighs, tries to smile. The attempt at least registers.]
Thanks. I just... feel like I fuck stuff up sometimes.