[He's been doing his best to help when he can, and he knows that's the best he can do, the best that everyone can do, but still...
He can appreciate that his own confused anger isn't alone, that he can feel something of Kalmiya's rage too. His own hatred of Sleep that he tries not to focus too much on is somewhere in the background, simmering as always.]
But... I don't want him to start being a douchebag to other people because of me.
You shouldn't take that onto yourself. The way he's chosen to treat others has nothing to do with you.
[All Toki did was try to be kind, and then stood up for himself when he was met with cruelty. One chose his position before Toki reached out to him. Long before, most likely.
Though her emotions shift, drawn in many conflicting directions, the anger is persistent and unmistakable. And it runs deep, curdling surrounding sentiments like bitterness and shame. This is personal even beyond how Toki has been treated.]
What if it does, though? What if... what if it's all Toki's fault?
[He's always been so desperate to make friends, but so terrible at it. What if this has just been a bunch of flukes, and everyone's going to leave him eventually?
He tries to push the thought down as soon as he has it. No, he's got no reason to believe any of that. Kalmiya's here, and she's lovely, and all of his other friends are just fine too. He can't just start thinking they'll... betray him or something.
Like Magnus. Shouldn't think about Magnus. He shakes his head, the motion continuing into the Murmur.]
It's not, [she insists, firmly but not unkindly.] This is about him and— whatever fucked up thing he has going on with Sleep.
[Cult shit, though not spoken, drifts beneath her words, curdled like sour milk. She hates this— she hates this. They're all in this situation because one idiot made a pact that was bad for him. Their worlds are at stake because One can't bear to wean himself off of Sleep's ice-cold tit. And they have someone like Toki blaming himself for how wrong everything has gone?
Breathe. In, then out. In, then out.
There is the sense of fists clenched so tightly that they tremble, an impression that relaxes with every breath. Again, imploring:] It's not your fault.
[It should be obvious that it's not Toki's fault, that things were already heading that way. But One was so nice when he first met him, and he was already talking about Sleep then. What if...?
No, no, bad road to go down. He focuses on Kalmiya instead. She's right. She knows what she's talking about. She has to.
Toki sighs, tries to smile. The attempt at least registers.]
Thanks. I just... feel like I fuck stuff up sometimes.
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chiming
no subject
Date: 2026-01-04 11:39 pm (UTC)From:[He's been doing his best to help when he can, and he knows that's the best he can do, the best that everyone can do, but still...
He can appreciate that his own confused anger isn't alone, that he can feel something of Kalmiya's rage too. His own hatred of Sleep that he tries not to focus too much on is somewhere in the background, simmering as always.]
But... I don't want him to start being a douchebag to other people because of me.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 07:11 am (UTC)From:[All Toki did was try to be kind, and then stood up for himself when he was met with cruelty. One chose his position before Toki reached out to him. Long before, most likely.
Though her emotions shift, drawn in many conflicting directions, the anger is persistent and unmistakable. And it runs deep, curdling surrounding sentiments like bitterness and shame. This is personal even beyond how Toki has been treated.]
no subject
Date: 2026-01-08 11:36 am (UTC)From:[He's always been so desperate to make friends, but so terrible at it. What if this has just been a bunch of flukes, and everyone's going to leave him eventually?
He tries to push the thought down as soon as he has it. No, he's got no reason to believe any of that. Kalmiya's here, and she's lovely, and all of his other friends are just fine too. He can't just start thinking they'll... betray him or something.
Like Magnus. Shouldn't think about Magnus. He shakes his head, the motion continuing into the Murmur.]
Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-06 03:53 am (UTC)From:[Cult shit, though not spoken, drifts beneath her words, curdled like sour milk. She hates this— she hates this. They're all in this situation because one idiot made a pact that was bad for him. Their worlds are at stake because One can't bear to wean himself off of Sleep's ice-cold tit. And they have someone like Toki blaming himself for how wrong everything has gone?
Breathe. In, then out. In, then out.
There is the sense of fists clenched so tightly that they tremble, an impression that relaxes with every breath. Again, imploring:] It's not your fault.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-06 06:32 pm (UTC)From:No, no, bad road to go down. He focuses on Kalmiya instead. She's right. She knows what she's talking about. She has to.
Toki sighs, tries to smile. The attempt at least registers.]
Thanks. I just... feel like I fuck stuff up sometimes.